Choice
by hopeAndDreams
Summary: PostPilot, Sam returns to his normal life at Stanford with Jess. When the unthinkable happens, he is haunted by memories of time spent with his brother on trips he knows he never went on. Why then do his recollections seem so real? Please R&R.


**Summary:** Post-Pilot, Sam returns to his normal life at Stanford with Jess. When the unthinkable happens, he is haunted by memories of hunting trips with his brother, trips he knows he never went on. Why do his recollections seem so real? Please R&R.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, Sam, Jess or Dean (Jensen Ackles may one day be mine…if my prayers, appeals, entreaties, and pleas are heard by some higher power). They are solely the property of the WB and Eric Kripe.

**Author's Note: **I really wanted to write a story about a simple hunting trip for the brothers, but this idea popped into my head and took up residence. It drove out all other storylines trying to take form and bolted the door. This is my attempt to placate it, so that it will learn to be nice and play well with other thoughts ;-)

**Warning:** Story deals with character death.

* * *

The Impala stopped in front of the entrance. The passenger door opened, Sam was anxious to go home. As soon as he was out of the car, a pang of guilt about leaving his brother stopped him. He turned to say goodbye to Dean. 

"Call me if you find him?"

Dean nodded and looked away for a second before turning back. Sam saw the momentary flash of hurt before Dean drew the curtains over his emotions again. Sam steeled himself, he could not let this draw him back into the life he had sworn to walk away from. It was the price he had to pay. When he first started school, he had tried to balance his two disparate lives – keeping in touch with his family and the hunt while trying to hide his past from his new friends at Stanford. But it started to take its toll, and he had felt alone, unable to fit in both places. It had been simpler then to stop answering Dean's calls, to ignore the messages on the voicemail, to pretend not to notice the silhouette of his big brother next to the Impala parked outside campus. Even though he never truly felt like he belonged it had become easier to pretend. And he knew being back on the road with Dean for even another day would destroy the new life he had spent the last two years building. He would return to Jess and to safety. But this time, maybe he would not have to break the fragile link that had reconnected him to his family.

"Maybe I can meet up with you later, huh?"

"Yeah, alright."

Sam could hear the skepticism in Dean's voice. Knew that he would probably not be seeing his brother anytime soon. Sighing silently he straightened up and signaled to his brother to leave. Maybe the bonds he severed were too far apart to pull together again.

"Sam?"

He turned when he heard his name.

"You know we made a hell of a team back there."

Sam nodded. The last two days they had slipped back to the comfortable routine they had developed over eighteen years. They had been hunters, partners, friends, _brothers_ once more. Dean had recognized it too. A small flicker of hope rekindled itself in his heart. They could keep in touch. Maybe Dean could get to know Jess. And the feeling of incompleteness would finally fade away. Sam looked at his big brother and could only manage a mumbled "Yeah". Their eyes met for a second before Dean turned back towards the road. Sam continued to watch as the car drove away. An icy wind passed over him at that moment and he shivered. It seemed to rob the optimism he had felt just a second ago. Pulling his jacket a little closer against the cold that gripped him, he turned again towards his apartment, and back to Jess.

He opened the door and called for her, hoping that she was home. He did not want to be alone right now.

"You home?"

God, his voice sounded almost pleading. The cookies on the coffee table caught his eye. He smiled as he read the note.

"Missed you!

Love you"

He picked up a cookie and walked into the bedroom. The light was on in the bathroom, and he could hear the shower running. For a second he considered joining Jess, but decided to wait for her outside instead. He loved when she walked out all wet with the vague flowery smell following her. He sat on the bed and nodded to himself. He closed his eyes and let the warm feeling try to wash away his doubts and concerns.

Just as he felt his body relax, the first drop fell on his forehead. He flinched, refusing to open his eyes. The second drop felt heavier and his body tensed. An inexplicable feeling of dread was taking hold of him. As he felt the third drop, he opened his eyes and smiled in relief. Jess' damp blonde hair filled his vision. Her blue eyes were twinkling with mischief.

"Here I was, just getting ready for my hot date with the cute guy I met at the Halloween party, and look who decided to come back home."

He grinned and reached out for her hand. Caught off-balance, she fell clumsily on top of him, sprinkling him with more water.

He said in mock anger, "Don't even joke about that…you know I would crash and burn without you…"

"Well, then maybe next time you will at least tell me where you are going before taking off in the middle of the night."

Sam pulled her close to him and kissed her.

"I missed you too," he whispered into her ear.

"I can see that. Did everything go ok? Is your dad alright?"

Sam felt a little twinge of guilt pull at him. He did not know if his father was fine. And he had left his brother to find their dad alone.

"He was not at the cabin. But he left Dean a note telling him where he was going. They'll call in a couple of days."

Even as he said the words, something about them rung false to his ears and the feeling of foreboding that was haunting him earlier returned.

"You sure?"

Jess could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

He felt like he was saying the words to convince himself as much as Jess. Something was nagging at the back of his mind. Something that told him that everything was not ok. He closed his eyes and lay back on the bed.

"You look tired. Maybe you should try to get some sleep before your big interview."

Sam mumbled in agreement. He dragged himself out of bed and stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt before climbing back in. Jess got up and walked into the bathroom to dry her hair. The noise of the hair dryer dulled the sounds from the street outside and the sirens in the distance. Its drone filled his ears and Sam drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_The apartment building was burning, smoke billowing out of the window. There were fire trucks, police cars and ambulances parked haphazardly around the entrance. The people sitting at the entrance wrapped in blankets were being comforted by paramedics. The red flashing lights cast an eerie glow over the crowd watching in front of the building. Dean stood among them watching the fire. Slowly he turned, looking for someone. There was sadness in his eyes and a deep concern. He walked away from the mob towards his car. Dean rounded the car and watched carefully as the person cocked the shotgun and threw it into the open trunk. _

"_We've got work to do."_

Sam awoke with a start sweat beading the top of his brow. He knew he was the one who said those words to Dean in his dream. He had felt the grief and anger raging through him. And he knew what had made him so angry. He glanced over and reassured himself that Jess was still there. Reaching out, he carefully pushed a strand of hair away from her angelic face and smiled. It had just been a nightmare. But Sam could still feel his brother's worried eyes watching him. He strained his ears to listen for any sign that Dean had returned to the apartment, but did not hear anything. Shaking his head at his own foolishness, he rose and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water, careful not to wake Jess. As he walked back to the bedroom, he felt a strong urge to call his brother despite the late hour. Just as he picked up his phone, there was a knock on the door.

There were two officers standing at the entrance. The younger one looked about Sam's age. He seemed to be uncomfortable, staring intently at something on carpet next to Sam's feet. His partner looked familiar…Sam had met him when the apartment had been broken into and robbed about a month ago.

"Officer Jameson, right?"

"Right. And this is my partner, Jack McCallister. Sorry to bother this late, Mr. Winchester, but we hoped we could have a word with you?"

"Sure. I was awake anyway. And please, call me Sam. How can I help you?"

The cop hesitated for a second. He handed Sam the photograph that he had been holding in his hand.

"Do you recognize this person?"

The picture was grainy, it looked like something that had been taken from a security camera. But there was no mistaking the cocky grin. It was Dean. Sam knew Dean had escaped from the police station (he had been the one who had placed the fake 911 call to distract them) but he had not expected them to track him down. He hesitated for a second.

"I thought I had seen someone who looked like him in one of your pictures when I was here last month."

Sam wanted to deny that it was his brother, but somehow he knew the officers were not here looking to arrest Dean. There was something about the way that they were looking at him.

"Yes. I know him. This is my brother, Dean."

As the officers looked at each other, he finally recognized the emotion he saw in their eyes. It was sympathy.

"Is he ok?"

"Sam, maybe you should sit down for a second."

Sam could feel his chest tightening. The darkness from outside seemed to be seeping into the apartment.

"Something happened to him."

It was a statement, not a question.

"Sir, we really think you should sit down…"

The younger officer had finally looked at Sam and spoken. But his attempt to calm Sam had only helped to push him over the edge.

"J**ust tell me what happened!**"

Jack returned his gaze back to the spot on the carpet. Officer Jameson cleared his throat before speaking.

"Sam, I'm really sorry."

_No, no…this was not happening. It was just another nightmare. _

"There was a fire at the Country Inn Motel, where your brother was staying for the night…."

_It can't be true. Dean was driving to the co-ordinates their father had left them. If he was tired and wanted to sleep, he would have stayed with Sam, right? Even if Sam had refused to go with him. Even if Sam had abandoned him._

"It looks like it started in the room he was staying in. By the time the fire department got there it was too late…"

_It couldn't have been too late. Dean would have gotten out, he always does. _

"I'm really sorry, but your brother is…"

_No, please don't say it…_

"…dead."

Sam felt like his own heart had stopped. He sank to the floor, his legs suddenly incapable of supporting his weight. The reason for all the feelings of loss was finally clear. But "loss" seemed too mild a word for what he was experiencing. He felt as if a gaping void sat where his heart should have been. The walls were closing in on him and it was getting difficult to breathe. Just as he felt himself sinking further down, he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Someone knelt beside him and he felt Jess' hand on his chin, pulling his face up. The look on her face…he had seen it before…in his dream…but then it had been hazel eyes staring at him instead of blue.


End file.
